Because of the COVID-19 pandemic, we’ve been living with my in-laws for the last year in their house, along with extended family. For me, the biggest challenge with the whole arrangement has been learning to relinquish complete control over my baby’s upbringing.
During my pregnancy and after the birth of my baby, I read and Googled everything I could about raising children. I followed mama influencers online and looked to my own friends who were becoming mothers. As a result, I developed a set of ideas and rules for the way I wanted to raise my baby, which I thought were non-negotiable. However, living with extended family turned this all upside down and taught me a few important lessons along the way.
Lesson 1: There’s no such thing as a “perfect” mother
I thought “good” motherhood meant all-organic food, daily schedules, and absolutely no screen time. I was determined to live up to my ideal of perfection in all aspects of mothering, but it was tiring. I tried to do it all. I planned and cooked the baby his own special meals three times a day. I had a daily routine for him, which included playing outside every day, having consistent nap times, and reading him books. I played classical music and made everyone turn off the TV if the baby was in the room.
However, not everyone in my extended family felt that my way was the right way. I became furious when I realized that my mother-in-law was sneaking my baby chocolate ice cream. As a new mother, I was strict with what my baby ate. For example, I wanted to avoid processed, sugary products for as long as possible. I tried to get the message through to her; I even made my husband explain it in her native language just to be completely sure. Yet she continued to surreptitiously give the baby treats when she thought I wouldn’t be looking. I was upset and I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t respect my wishes.
Whether it was the ice cream, handing the baby a smartphone, or the many gifts of cheap plastic toys that inevitably broke, my family was interacting with the baby often, and I was constantly monitoring these actions and comparing them to the strict and arbitrary guidelines I had set.
All my thoughts were about my baby. Everything I did was for him. It was an exhausting way to live and detrimental to my own mental health. It also meant I was neglecting my relationship with my husband and everyone else. Eventually, I learned that perfection is impossible—mothers who give their babies treats or allow them to watch football with grandpa are also “good” parents. Living with extended family taught me that it’s more important that my baby is loved than that I’m a “perfect” mother.
Lesson 2: It’s OK to seek help
I’m by nature a very independent person, and like many women I believe that I should be able to do it all. Living with family members who constantly offer to take care of my child, cook for him, take him out, and bathe him annoyed me at first. Then the inevitable day came when I got sick and I felt like I couldn’t even get out of bed. I was tired and burned out, and I just couldn’t face the day looking after my baby. I needed help, and my mother-in-law was there without me asking. She took care of my son while I recovered.
Once the illness passed, I relaxed my self-imposed rules and allowed my family to look after the baby much more often. Every week, they took him out for a whole day to play at the beach with his cousins. They happily babysat him when I signed up for dance classes twice a week, which I love. Now, I use all the extra time I used to spend worrying about my son’s every move to spend time with friends and do activities that make me feel personally fulfilled. Sometimes that means staying at home, ordering takeout, and watching Netflix—and I’m OK with that.
The whole experience made me see how lucky I was to have a big family who loved caring for my baby. I learned that it’s OK and even necessary for mothers to seek help from others when they need it. I learned that taking care of myself and my own happiness should be a priority. Every child deserves a mother who is happy and fulfilled.
Lesson 3: There will always be pros and cons of living with extended family
Living with extended family while raising children has its ups and downs. There’s more drama, more frustration, and more disagreements. But there’s also more laughter, more talk, and more life in the house. Over time I’ve chosen to see the glass half full. The benefits of living with my in-laws are many, especially for my baby boy. How lucky he is to grow up having close relationships with so many family members. How lucky he is to be spending his formative years learning to speak two different languages at home. How lucky he is to be surrounded by people who know him intimately and love him unconditionally.
I won’t lie though: I’m happy that this living situation won’t be forever. But I’m also grateful for the lessons I’ve learned along this journey. And when I see my baby laughing with my mother-in-law while she feeds him chocolate ice cream, I remind myself of all those lessons. And now I know that although my mother-in-law never says “I love you,” she hides those words in the ice cream she feeds the baby as a treat, the fish in coconut milk she cooks for Sunday lunch, and the fresh bread she wakes up early to buy every morning for breakfast. If we had never lived together, I would never have known that.
Living with my in-laws while figuring out motherhood has been a struggle, but I believe that ultimately it’s made me a kinder, more relaxed mother. When we do move out eventually, I’ll make sure my son still has quality time with his family. I’ll continue to make time for myself and prioritize my own well-being (and I’m sure we’ll even enjoy chocolate ice cream together, guilt-free). For that, it’s all been worth it.