Picture this: You’re scheduling a baseline IVF appointment at your fertility clinic, and you realize that you’re going to need to find someone to watch your toddler during that time. Even during normal times that can be tricky (let alone during a pandemic, which was when I was going through this). I wish that finding a babysitter was the most difficult or logistically challenging part of struggling through infertility to have a second child, but really, it’s just the beginning. There are so many things I hadn’t thought twice about before beginning IVF this second time around, from scheduling to energy to communication, that really change when there are parenting responsibilities already in the picture.
When I first started trying to get pregnant a few years back, I knew I wanted a big family. I had no idea how challenging it would be for me to have one baby, let alone processing the thoughts, emotions, and decisions that would go into every subsequent family-planning decision we’d make after that. After trying and trying and seeking help, my husband and I finally decided to try IVF, which led to the birth of our daughter in 2018.
As I began taking medications full of side effects and planning out injection schedules, I realized how different IVF would be this time, in the presence of a toddler.
After she was born, it was easy to forget some of the intensity of the fertility treatments and pregnancy. I was so grateful for her safe arrival, and I launched into the role of motherhood I’d desperately been waiting for. Staring at her perfect features, I told my husband I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. We tried, again, to get pregnant naturally as soon I was able, but, again, that didn’t work. So we turned to fertility treatments again. As I began taking medications full of side effects and planning out injection schedules, I realized how different IVF would be this time, in the presence of a toddler.
I’m optimistic that by sharing my experiences and advice, I can help others navigate their own journey through infertility alongside parenting a toddler.
Plan for Time Commitments
Fertility treatments are a huge time commitment. From going to in-office appointments to scheduling injections and making time to experience medication side effects, IVF consumes a good amount of time! With my frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle, I had to go to a total of six in-office appointments prior to my transfer and self-administer progesterone-in-oil injections twice a day. These injections should be about 12 hours apart, and they require about 15 minutes to prep, five minutes to inject, and 20–30 minutes of applying heat to the injection site afterward. I was prepared for all this because I’d gone through it the first time, but I was unprepared for just how different the process would be with a toddler running around!
Two years ago, I did my shots simply before work and after work. Now, there’s an unpredictable toddler morning wake-up time, as well as 50 things that usually have to occur after the toddler is put to bed. There’s been a lot of rearranging and logistical discussion in our house to make these things work in the least stressful way possible—but it really requires advance planning!
Be Mindful of Your Energy
Struggling with infertility alongside parenting my daughter has taught me some hard lessons about balance. In the beginning, I was feeling so guilty about taking time away from my daughter to focus on trying to get pregnant again. I feel like most moms can relate to this as they experience a second (or third, etc.) pregnancy and/or deliver another baby, but for infertility mamas, these feelings start long before conception or transfer. During IVF, I had much less energy than normal, which meant that my daughter had more screen time and less engagement with me. The estrogen pills I had to take make me debilitatingly nauseous, and while the first time around I could rest as needed, now I have much less ability to lie around. My daughter can’t understand “mommy doesn’t feel good” or “mommy needs to rest,” which is a difficult emotion for me to process in the moment. I also can’t lift my daughter (or anything heavier than a milk jug) for two weeks because of the FET protocol. So far, this has felt like the most challenging obstacle this time around.
Struggling with infertility alongside parenting my daughter has taught me some hard lessons about balance.
I’ve wrestled with these feelings immensely but ultimately realized that there’s no one way to sit with or manage them. Because I know I want another baby and my only option right now is IVF, the only thing I can do is share my time and energy and balance the side effects and time commitments, so that one day I can tell my daughter how patient and understanding she was as we tried to give her a baby brother or sister.
Communicate with Your Partner
Infertility impacts every relationship you have—from your partner to your family, friends, coworkers, and beyond. I have found that this time around, even more so than the first time we did IVF, communicating with my husband is mission-critical. From logistics and emotions to parenting choices and treatment decisions, there is an obscene amount to discuss regularly. Unfortunately, I’ve also found that it’s really easy for these conversations to outweigh and overshadow any connection-type conversations, not to mention things like dates and romance and the other ways we connected pre-infertility (and pre-parenthood). My recommendation: Put time on the calendar regularly for non-infertility, non-parenting conversation and connection. Get takeout from your favorite place, play the music you danced to at your wedding, and remember how much you love each other.
Ask for Help
And finally, asking for help not only is important but can instrumentally make a difference between feeling like you’re just hanging on and feeling like you’re going to make it through. There are a number of ways that people who love you can easily help support you—and you’ll find that they’re often willing to do so if you just ask.
Asking for help not only is important but can instrumentally make a difference between feeling like you’re just hanging on and feeling like you’re going to make it through.
Drop-offs. Whether it’s groceries, home-cooked meals, diapers for your kiddo, or medications for your IVF cycle, ask and allow people who want to help to start here. This way, you’re reducing the amount of energy and time you’re needing to spend running errands or cooking meals for your family. (And when it’s during a pandemic, porch drop-offs reduce exposure.)
Check-ins. A text message or a call is quick and easy and lets you know that you’re top of mind for someone. Ask your friends and family to send you photos, memes, videos, and anything else to make you laugh and keep your spirits up when you’re feeling drained, emotional, and exhausted.
Childcare. I can tell you right now that even if I’m “off duty” and I can still hear my daughter, my mom brain is still on at full speed. If having your toddler or big kids out of the house with your partner or a family member, friend, or babysitter is an option, I’d recommend it. You’re juggling so much mentally and emotionally while you navigate infertility alongside parenthood, any break you can take will really help to recharge you.
Finally, Know You’re Not Alone
Navigating infertility again is a different kind of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion than I ever could’ve predicted. Connecting with others who’ve walked this path has given me hope, encouragement, and support in sustaining two really challenging roles at once, and I hope this article can bring some of that solace to other moms going through the same experience.