Bethany Torrez planned to share her baby’s gender with family via Zoom. Excited, she headed to her ultrasound appointment to receive the news. Instead, she learned her unborn son had dilation in the ventricles of the brain and a spine curvature, among other issues. Bethany continued to pray for her baby to be healthy. As tests and appointments persisted, Bethany and her husband made peace with having a baby that would have special needs. They looked forward to caring for their little one.
After days of feeling little movement, Bethany rushed to the ER. She received the devastating news that her baby had passed away. Heartbroken, she endured a frightful induction. Her son was stillborn at 21 weeks. “No mother should have to birth her dead child,” Bethany shares. “It’s like a mental movie reel of the worst moments of your life that you can’t stop,” she notes. Pained flashbacks, the trauma of the delivery, past anxiety, and depression all culminated in a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Every time I got pregnant again, I got panicked and thrown back into the feeling of losing the baby—no matter how well my pregnancy was going.
PTSD is historically associated with the military. However, anyone who has experienced a traumatic event may be susceptible to this disorder. “PTSD is a diagnosis . . . with very specific criteria,” explains Christy Duan, MD. “In order to be diagnosed, one must have been first exposed to a trauma. This is defined as ‘actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence,’ such as experiencing or witnessing a sudden, catastrophic medical event in oneself or one’s child.”
The Anxiety and Depression Association of America notes that more than 8 million Americans ages 18 and older have suffered from PTSD. Symptoms include flashbacks, persistent fear, detachment from others, depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior, difficulty sleeping, and problems concentrating. If symptoms persist for longer than a month, they can warrant a PTSD diagnosis.
A London-based study published earlier this year in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology surveyed over 700 women one month after they experienced a pregnancy loss. Twenty-nine percent of the women had symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Eighteen percent still experienced those symptoms nine months after their loss.
“For me, every time I got pregnant again, I got panicked and thrown back into the feeling of losing the baby—no matter how well my pregnancy was going,” states Amy Klein, author of The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind. She experienced four miscarriages prior to a fifth successful pregnancy. “I remember every bad ultrasound, when the doctor said, ‘There is no heartbeat.’ I remembered my husband promising me it would all be okay and it wasn’t. I was afraid every time the sonogram looked for a heartbeat. That’s not depression, that’s PTSD.”
Women can experience depression after a miscarriage, dealing with extreme sadness and losing interest in daily life. “We can also anticipate a woman experiencing high anxiety through subsequent pregnancies when she’s had losses. There’s no question. It’s scary,” states perinatal mental health therapist Dvora Entin.
PTSD differs from those diagnoses in that it emphasises the exposure to trauma. Receiving a diagnosis of PTSD can be valuable for a woman going through the trauma of losing a child, because it helps identify the experience for what it truly is. “Sometimes there’s power in having [your experience] named as trauma,” Dvora notes.
The importance of an accurate diagnosis is making sure that I am fully addressing all the symptoms that someone is having.
“An accurate diagnosis is going to help me understand more fully what you as my client are really experiencing. Have I asked you questions about your flashbacks? Have I asked you what behaviors have developed? The importance of an accurate diagnosis is making sure that I am fully addressing all the symptoms that someone is having,” Dvora explains. Problems have to be brought to the forefront to be treated, which may not happen without the PTSD diagnosis.
Seattle-based journalist Sarah Szczypinski, author of The Wealth Menu, says it wasn’t until her son’s birth two years after her miscarriage that she realized she needed help. She went back to work shortly after her loss and avoided dealing with her feelings. She had difficulties bonding with her newborn son. “I had an irrational fear even after bringing him home that something would go wrong.” Sarah realized she needed to deal with her pregnancy loss. “I had never, or since, experienced that level of devastation. I wanted to die,” she says. “Losing a child is incredibly traumatizing.”
Katie Phillips’s first son was stillborn at 26 weeks. Though she struggled with the emptiness of her loss, she was grateful to get pregnant again and give birth to a precious son. Katie and her husband decided to officially try for baby number two. Katie was overjoyed to get pregnant on their first try. But that joy was short-lived: she lost another baby and had to have a D&C. “I feel my losses have deeply changed who I am,” Katie explains. “At six months postpartum I was spending a lot of time fantasizing about killing myself. How I would do it. Where I would do it.” She continues, “Even after getting help, I was still a mess.” Overwhelmed with grief, she cried daily as she drove to and from work.
Despite Katie’s mental anguish and lingering symptoms, she didn’t receive any type of diagnosis. “I think it’s possible I could have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was in rough shape,” she admits. “I think an official diagnosis would have helped my husband to better understand what I was going through,” Katie says. “I also think it would have helped me put less pressure on myself to ‘move on’ and not ‘burden’ others with my pain.”
For me, it would have validated the feelings I battled beyond depression.
Personally, I learned that I’d lost my baby at 12 weeks, as my children and my husband waited with me to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Completely shocked by the news, I opted to wait to let my baby pass naturally. I waited for the baby to pass while traveling out of town to host a wedding shower, torn between joy for the wedding and pain for my loss. When it hadn’t happened three weeks later, I had to take Cytotec to help me pass my child. I couldn’t sleep or eat, and some days it even seemed too much to breathe. I walked around in a fog for years, mired by grief and anxiety. I was diagnosed with severe depression. In hindsight, I believe my symptoms warranted a PTSD diagnosis. I feel like I would have taken my own mental health more seriously and been more willing to take needed steps sooner to get help. I would have sought support specifically for dealing with trauma, and not beat myself up for being unable to get over my sadness. For me, it would have validated the feelings I battled beyond depression.
Don’t ignore your symptoms. Reach out for the help that you need. And be patient with yourself as you heal. “Surround yourself with loving people who can support you in your recovery. This can include family, friends, and networks such as Postpartum Support International,” Dr. Duan advises.
Dvora concludes, “When a woman feels heard and supported and not shamed, she will have the capacity to receive help, to recover the way she needs to recover, and she feels more like herself again. It gives her permission to move into the future.”