When our eight-year-old son was diagnosed with autism, and was struggling in school and melting down at home, my husband and I were overwhelmed and exhausted. On my first night out in over a year, a friend told me (several glasses of wine in), “Girl, I hate to say it—but you know your husband isn’t up to this. It’s going to be all you. Get used to it now.”
Was she right? I didn’t think I could bear this on my own. There was so much to learn and change about my parenting. So many appointments and sleepless nights.
But precisely because I didn’t get used to it, and I did expect my husband to be up for the challenge, our marriage ended up growing stronger as we navigated the path of autism, ADHD, and mood disorders. We committed to doing the work together, respecting our kids and their needs—but also respecting each other.
It hadn’t always been like this, though. When we first got married, we argued more than most and held grudges for days. We analyzed each other’s intent and interpreted behaviors as personal attacks. We yelled, name-called, and used sarcasm as a weapon.
When we had a baby, this only got worse. Exhaustion drove out any remaining patience, and my own anxiety skyrocketed as I dealt with colic and a struggle to breastfeed.
We weren’t a team. In fact, we were panicked islands, wanting and needing each other but unwilling to show vulnerability. I felt like a bad mom. He felt like I didn’t trust him as a father. We lost the fun connection that had drawn us to each other long ago. We no longer had the luxury of romance or the sense of humor to brush off the small slights.
But our perspectives shifted when our family went into crisis. Our son needed help, and fast, and we couldn’t give him what he needed as two islands. We dove into intensive parenting behavioral training, based on cognitive behavioral therapy, and that became our marriage counseling. As we learned how to be better parents, we also became better partners.
We now have three children with varying needs, and my husband and I are still in love, more than ever before. We also have many friends with similar parenting struggles, and we’ve discovered that most of us follow an unofficial “marriage rulebook” that really keeps our heads above water—and our relationships intact.
- Make a promise, right now, to be a team. No matter how frustrated or hurt one of us might be, the two of us are in this together. My husband and I made a commitment to each other to push through the hard times as a duo, whether it’s through accepting an uncomfortable need (I handle most sleep issues) or enforcing boundaries (he demands I take time away for myself). This is a tag-team situation. It requires both of us.
- No grudges. If I have a mom tantrum because it’s all just too hard, my husband steps in and takes up the slack. And he doesn’t hold it against me later. He knows that tomorrow he may be absolutely done by 8 pm and needing me to handle the bedtime routine. If one of us makes a mess of things, we’re just grateful that the other one is there to help clean up. We don’t nag or remind each other of our mistakes.
- Be appreciative of each other. I say thank you a lot. I compliment the hard work my husband puts into parenting and try to bite my tongue when I am ready to correct something that isn’t really a big deal. He does the same for me. It helps me feel like a good mom when my partner regularly tells me that he thinks I’m a good mom. And the parenting workload balances naturally when I let go of controlling every little thing and respect his choices.
- Spend time together without the kids. Yeah, yeah, easier said than done! It took us two years to find a babysitter that could manage our kids for a date night, and sometimes she still can’t. So we redefined what that looked like for us. Sometimes we put the kids in front of a movie with pizza, and we spend an hour lounging together on the sofa with a glass of wine. Sometimes we go for a walk on a Saturday morning before doing some childfree grocery shopping, because mornings are often easier for babysitting than bedtime. Sometimes the stars align and we take a secret canteen of margaritas to The Avengers and make out in the movie theater. We got married because we were best friends, and we spend time together to make sure we stay that way.
- Make alone time a priority. This has been crucial for us. Every day we make sure that each of us gets at least a little alone time while the other takes care of the kids. This is tricky when one of us travels for work. But when we’re both home, I make sure he gets time to work out or take a drive. He makes sure I have time for a run or to visit a friend. We actively demand that the other gets the recharge time they need.
This teamwork didn’t happen right away. In fact, it wasn’t happening at all when we first had kids and our marriage suffered, even without the added stress of hospital stays and school meetings! But we learned to lean on each other when we went through that series of medical crises. Things went downhill fast and life got complicated. As we floundered through those early parenting years, we came to realize how lucky we were to have each other and how much stronger we were together.
Fifteen years—and three special-needs children—into this marriage, we’re closer than we’ve ever been.