After a full day of teaching, I drop my bags at the door and collapse on the couch with an ice pack jammed against my jaw and a heating pack resting on my shoulders.
My three-year-old son comes into the room and asks in his cute little voice, “Mommy, whatcha dooooing?”
What am I doing? I think. I need to get up. I want to get up. I take five deep, long breaths, willing the pain out of my body, and then get up to go play with my son, whom I missed all day.
This is life with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease that makes my thyroid underactive, which means it doesn’t produce enough of the crucial hormones my body needs. Like a lot of other autoimmune diseases, Hashimoto’s can leave you extremely fatigued and riddled with unexplained, intense muscle and joint pain that radiates throughout your whole body. While I certainly don’t feel this way every day, stress, lack of sleep and exercise, and certain foods can trigger flare-ups of my disease.
During these rare, excruciating times, I have learned that I have to shut down for a few days. That means calling off work, dropping my son off at his grandparents’ house, and lying in bed sleeping away the pain.
Most of the time my flare-ups are mild. Although the consistent pain is annoying, with a positive mind-set that I have practiced, I can muddle through these flare-ups and continue on with working and parenting. Then, there are times when the flare-ups are debilitating. They affect me both mentally and physically. During these rare, excruciating times, I have learned that I have to shut down for a few days. That means calling off work, dropping my son off at his grandparents’ house, and lying in bed sleeping away the pain.
I was diagnosed in 2015 after two years of medical test after medical test trying to find the root and reason of my pain. With the help of medicine and supplements, I altered my lifestyle. I eliminated most sugars and gluten, continued exercising and added in yoga to soothe my aching muscles and joints, and made sleep my number one priority.
But in 2019, I became a mom and everything changed.
Eight straight hours of sleep were out the window. Exercising every day was out of the question. Eliminating all stress from my life was nearly impossible.
I wasn’t sure how I would be able to balance parenting with living with an autoimmune disease, but that first year after giving birth, I really learned a lot—both about my disease and about parenting.
First, I need help, and I must ask for it. Parenting with an autoimmune disease means that I can’t be expected to do everything on my own. The thing about autoimmune diseases is that they are silent and the sufferer often doesn’t appear to be sick.
After I gave birth, I still tried to do all the things I’d done before I had a kid (teaching, coaching, writing, exercising) and felt guilty asking for help, as if that made me less of a mom for needing it. But I soon learned that trying to juggle my old life with being a mom not only was impossible, but it didn’t leave me showing up as my best self for anything I was doing.
I wasn’t sure how I would be able to balance parenting with living with an autoimmune disease.
When I finally realized that I needed help, I asked for help with coaching cross country. We hired an extra coach to make up for the days I couldn’t be there. I asked for help watching my son when I needed some time to rest or catch up on projects. I asked for help with chores either from my mom or an outsider (a gift certificate to a cleaning company makes a great gift). And once I got that help, I then could show up for my son as my best self, and that’s what he deserves.
Second, I am a big proponent of gentle/mindful parenting. Not only do I believe it’s what is best for my son, but it’s also what’s best for my disease. Since stress and anger really trigger and worsen a lot of autoimmune diseases, I had to find ways to alleviate them in my life. Positive discipline is one way.
When a baby or toddler is throwing a tantrum or sobbing uncontrollably, it’s easy, as moms, to let this trigger our own emotions, and we find ourselves doing everything in our power to stop our son or daughter from crying now.
Instead I have learned to lean into tantrums and look inward first. I close my eyes, take five deep breaths, and repeat a mantra: Tantrums are normal. Tantrums are a healthy release for our kids. I am a good mom. Then, when I am calm, I can look outward to the tantrum and decide if I need to solve it with a positive-parenting strategy or just ride it out. By doing this practice, I have eliminated a lot of unwanted tension and stress in my life and rather have created a mindful relationship between my son and me.
Third, parenting with an autoimmune disease might mean that I don’t have a second child. Hashimoto’s can cause infertility, and after months of trying, I still haven’t been able to conceive. However, although I yearn for another child and sibling for my son, whether that be biologically or through adoption, I often worry if I physically can take care of one more.
Parenting with an autoimmune disease means that I can’t be expected to do everything on my own.
On my worst days, when the disease rears its ugly head, and I am going through days of flare-ups, I question my strength: How can I work? How can I be a good parent to my son? Could I possibly take care of another baby on top of everything else?
But, on good days, I feel great and as if I can do anything. That’s the nature of the disease. Highs and lows. Ups and downs.
And during those peaks and valleys, I have learned, lastly, that I must make time for self-care. Time to exercise. Time to myself. Time to lie down. To do that, I have relied on time-ins, teaching my son to independently play while I do other things near him, and the value of compromise (If you go for a ride in the stroller while I run, we can play with trucks outside).
We are both better for it. He has more meaningful and quality play while I can be fully present in his life and show up rested and recovered from the disease. Self-care is crucial in parenting when you have an autoimmune disease.
Having figured out what works best for me when my Hashimoto’s flares up now that I have a child, I’m starting to get back to my “perfectly curated” autoimmune lifestyle. I go to bed early. We try to keep mostly healthy foods in the house. I make time for exercise. I sometimes have to gently let my son down when he asks to play. I rely on and appreciate help.
Of course, there are still bad days when I feel as if I don’t quite measure up to other mothers. If you are a parent with an autoimmune disease, give yourself some grace and realize the flare-ups won’t last forever. Remember, if you can’t take care of you, how can you take care of anyone else?