A couple of months ago, I shared a lengthy post on Instagram about my year-long struggle with postpartum depression. Posting publicly about private matters is always difficult for me, but when I reviewed my life as told by Instagram, any reference to postpartum depression was noticeably absent, and I felt compelled to fill in the gaps. But taking this leap was scary: In this case, it was judgment not from strangers that scared me but from my family and friends.
Now that the fog of depression has lifted, I can see that my whole year was unnecessarily isolating.
I was afraid of making them feel guilty for failing to recognize the extent of my suffering, or angry at me for not sharing it with them earlier. Truth be told, on the rare occasions that I mentioned my struggles, my friends and family members seemed unsure of how to help. And while in the throes of depression, I wasn’t sure either.
Now that the fog of depression has lifted, I can see that my whole year was unnecessarily isolating. Postpartum depression is a mental disorder that often requires medication and counseling to treat, but there are plenty of ways regular people can support moms going through it. I didn’t have the clarity or strength to ask for help back then, but here are the things I would have asked for if I had.
Room to complain. I’m not sure what was worse: the inability to enjoy my life and beautiful new baby or the soul-crushing guilt I felt as a result. I expected to be over the moon with love for my new little bundle of joy—to be so enthralled with the little creature I was snuggling that all of my other obligations paled in comparison. Reality was very different. Those snuggles often felt suffocating, and the inability to keep up with my other responsibilities paralyzing.
The shame I felt for these feelings prevented me from confronting them for far too long. Giving new moms space to articulate feelings that don’t align with a romanticized portrait of motherhood can help them work through negative emotions or, perhaps more importantly, identify that something is wrong.
Help getting up and out. Depression has a funny way of pulling you out of the world. Sometimes while I was changing my daughter’s diaper or watching her coo on the floor during tummy time, it felt like I’d retreated into myself so completely that I wasn’t actually in the room. Stuck in my house with no adult interaction, there was little to pull me back to reality. Getting out of the house and engaging with the world can help alleviate postpartum depression, but it requires energy and drive, and most days I didn’t have any.
Take the lead on making plans, preemptively offer to babysit so that she can spend some time tending to her own needs, or ask if it’s okay to swing by with some coffee and then see if she’s up for a walk.
Many people understandably assume it’s best to give new mothers space and wait for them to reach out when they need help or are ready to socialize. The problem is that reaching out is very hard when you’re depressed. Even if you manage to make plans, the temptation to cancel them can be very powerful, and with a child, you’ve got a ready-made excuse to do so. Helping eliminate an overwhelmed mom’s reasons for staying cooped up can help ensure that she gets out. Take the lead on making plans, preemptively offer to babysit so that she can spend some time tending to her own needs, or ask if it’s okay to swing by with some coffee and then see if she’s up for a walk. Anything helps.
Validation that something is wrong. There’s something painfully accurate about the characterization of depression as a fog, in that it’s hard to see: Up close, it’s nearly invisible, so it’s easy to convince yourself that it’s not actually there. Postpartum depression often goes undiagnosed for precisely this reason. I often convinced myself that I was just too incompetent, too lazy, too ungrateful, or too selfish to enjoy my life as a mother. Denying the problem only delayed my progress in addressing it.
Obviously, only a physician can diagnose someone with postpartum depression. Still, encouraging new mothers to trust that something is wrong, to err on the side of caution, and to consult their doctor is one of the greatest forms of support you can provide.
Words of encouragement. It may sound kind of patronizing to tell a new mom that she’s doing a great job, but it’s not possible to overcorrect for the constant barrage of self-doubt that comes with early parenthood and is amplified by depression. Plus, in a modern society that does little to value mothers and plenty to judge them, it’s easy to feel both worthless and incompetent. If nothing else, reminding a new mom that she is doing good and valuable work, and that her child is lucky to have her, can help her fend off negative thought patterns.
So don’t wait for your postpartum friends or family members to tell you that something is wrong before you check in on them, because that may never happen.
If I learned anything last year, it’s that postpartum depression is tricky. It’s difficult to recognize—in yourself as well as in others. This makes it harder for those struggling with postpartum depression to ask for help, and harder for those who can help to offer it. So don’t wait for your postpartum friends or family members to tell you that something is wrong before you check in on them, because that may never happen. And for what it’s worth, my Instagram post elicited nothing but gratitude, empathy, admiration, and about a million heart emojis from family members, friends, and strangers alike. So if you think you have postpartum depression and are struggling to open up about it, give it a try. There’s more compassion out there for you than you might think.
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