As soon as you get that blue line on a pregnancy test, your life changes—in many ways for good. But some uncertainty also begins to creep in along with the feelings of a burgeoning identity crisis. You become a target for unsolicited advice. You become “the pregnant lady.” You maybe don’t feel like yourself, and you maybe don’t know what kind of parent you’re going to be. No matter how much you resist, it’s nearly impossible to not lose some of your identity when you become a mom. So, many of us turn to social media, carefully “curating” what the outside world sees about our pregnancy and brand-new family. Social media helps make us feel seen and understood and gives us a platform to celebrate, even when we are feeling nervous or don’t know what the hell we are doing. But this social media phenomenon can also create a gap between what we see and what’s actually real, and that can sometimes in itself be harmful too.
When that baby is born, you are handed an Instagram opportunity of a lifetime.
Sharing glowing pregnancy photos of your growing belly becomes a way to showcase your new body. When that baby is born, you are handed an Instagram opportunity of a lifetime. Is there anything sweeter than a newborn baby? Put that thing in a basket in some booties and a too-large knitted hat with ears and forget it! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! Who doesn’t want to share photos of those little clenched fists and milk-drunk faces and teeny-tiny little feet? Yet all while a new mom shares those beautiful images, she’s sleep deprived and leaking everywhere and has no idea if she’s doing a good job or not.
We see a photo of baby’s first smile. Not shown: A mom crying herself to (not very much) sleep because her maternity leave is short and she doesn’t want to leave her baby. Or a mom who can’t wait for maternity leave to end so she can get away from the baby and the guilt she experiences for feeling that way.
We see a Facebook status of a first Mother’s Day and #blessed vibes. Not shown: a mom who is struggling with postpartum depression and cracked nipples and is worried her baby isn’t getting enough milk.
We see a Boomerang of a baby rolling over. Not shown: a mom who isn’t speaking to her husband because they got in an argument about their suddenly nonexistent sex life.
It’s the time to alter societal expectations and change the discourse around motherhood stereotypes. Sharing realistic images helps other women feel less alone, and seeing realistic images from other women helps all moms.
We see an Instagram Live of baby’s first steps. Not shown: a mom who still hasn’t lost the societally recommended baby weight and feels depressed and questions why she still isn’t feeling like herself after a year.
It’s no wonder we share the good things. We want to celebrate the happy times and get feedback from other moms, but should we be sharing more of the bad stuff? The stuff we don’t talk about? Yes! It’s the time to alter societal expectations and change the discourse around motherhood stereotypes. Sharing realistic images helps other women feel less alone, and seeing realistic images from other women helps all moms.
In order to accept ourselves on social media, we need to accept ourselves and our story in real life
Rather than maintain the vicious cycle of the “perfectly perfect” comparison trap, an Instagram feed can be a composite of what motherhood actually looks like. Imagine opening up Instagram to a photo of a mom breastfeeding while trying to eat lunch and dropping crumbs on her baby’s head. How many of us have been there? Imagine if, via social media, we celebrated going to therapy or sitting down to coffee with a friend instead of pretending that everything is lovely all the time. How beautiful would it be if, instead of comparing ourselves to the impossible, we found camaraderie in the ordinary? How wonderful if we could accept ourselves for the moms that we are and share that same story in photos, posts, and videos.
In order to accept ourselves on social media, we need to accept ourselves and our story in real life. This is why it’s so important for moms to have healthy ways to maintain their own identity from the get-go. It can be as simple as having a trusted friend, spouse, or therapist whom you feel comfortable sharing with. Anyone who you can talk to about yourself and not just your baby. Activities that center around self-care can be helpful to deal with stress as well: yoga, reading, taking a hot bath. And by taking time for yourself, and being open about it, you are also giving other moms the permission to do the same for themselves.
Remember to give yourself grace. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. There is nothing I’ve done in my life that has been as rewarding or as difficult. Even if you break all the promises you made to yourself before you had kids, rest assured that you aren’t alone. And as you post those gorgeous baby photos on Instagram, remember the mom who is behind the camera.
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