My wife and I have always known that we wanted to be moms together. We started talking about it long before we were actually ready to take any steps—fantasizing about baby books and family outings, cooking together, and celebrating holidays. We made many of our big decisions since we married with one eye on being parents: renting an apartment with an extra bedroom, getting a bigger, sturdier car, taking jobs that reflect the kind of lifestyle we want to have with our kids.
Last July it finally happened: We welcomed a tiny baby into our lives and became the mothers we’d always wanted to be. So many parts of this new reality feel like the realization of all our dreams: Watching him learn to turn over. Hearing him laugh for the first time. Feeling his tiny fist hold tight to our fingers. Celebrating our first Hanukkah together.
But this new, dreamlike state we’re in has been punctuated by another, far less lovely reality: the legal and bureaucratic whirlpool we and all other non-hetero couples must navigate from within the haze of new parenthood. It’s called second-parent adoption, and it’s awful.
It dawned on me that if I were straight, I could probably write any man’s name on the birth certificate of my child and he would instantly receive all the legal rights my wife is fighting for.
In order for my wife to be her son’s legal parent, we have had to jump through an interminable series of demeaning hoops. We both had to fill out a child-abuse clearance form, listing all the addresses we’d lived at for the past 28 years. We took a family field trip to the local courthouse one day to get my wife fingerprinted. We collected notarized letters from our midwife and the sperm bank we used, as well as our most recent taxes. We had a home visit and interview with a social worker who reviewed our home and wrote a 30-page report on our lives and family histories.
At one point, it dawned on me that if I were straight, I could probably write any man’s name on the birth certificate of my child and he would instantly receive all the legal rights my wife is fighting for. No one would question whether he and the child I carried were related. No one would look into the nature of our relationship. Yet my wife of six years, who has been this child’s mom since before he was conceived and is listed on his birth certificate, has to prove her worth if she wants to have more legal standing than a babysitter.
This is discrimination.
We are paying an obscene tax for being something other than a heterosexual cisgendered couple.
We have had the extreme good fortune to have found a lawyer and a social worker who are kind, competent, and understanding of the difficulty of this process. They have been more than supportive and done their best to guide us through the twists and turns of the legal rigmarole. For that we’re very grateful.
However, even if the discrimination has been made more palatable, it remains unjust. Not to mention expensive. By the time we’re done, we will have paid thousands of dollars in fees. We will also have lost too many hours of work and caring for our son to count. And there’s no other choice—if we want legal standing this is it. We are paying an obscene tax for being something other than a heterosexual cisgendered couple. Imagine, for a moment, if all the queer folks who pay these fees could recoup them and spend them on, say, raising the child. Education. Diapers. Childcare.
Or on anything else. A new car. A trip to visit friends and family. Groceries. Just like our hetero counterparts, who don’t have to think twice about any of this.
The process for second-parent adoption is basically the same as for regular adoption. But the situations aren’t comparable, and the same criteria shouldn’t apply. If a couple can prove intent to have a baby together, that should be their child. Period.
In my view, there are three possible ways to rectify this situation. One option is for all couples, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, to be required to prove their parenthood through the same methods. If we all had to conquer these insane mountains of paperwork, that would be equal and fair. It would also probably result in the whole process being taken off the books about as fast as you can say “form number 3937.”
The other option is, of course, for no one to have to declare anything. But this could get dicey fast, and the way it works for straight couples is already pretty ridiculous. I could drive a semitrailer through the loophole in that system. Why should a man get custody and full legal rights forever just because he says he’s the biological father? There’s no shortage of news stories about children or others belatedly realizing that the father listed on the birth certificate wasn’t.
If a couple can prove intent to have a baby together, that should be their child. Period.
The third option would be for all couples to prove intent. This could be done with some kind of notarized letter or a short form. I don’t think it would necessarily be a bad thing; declaring that you take legal responsibility for a child’s life and well-being is a powerful thing and should be intentional. There should be no filing fees, as these are prohibitive and classist. Just a simple ceremony for parents to affirm: I will do everything in my power to care for you, my child.
It’s time we admit that the fabric of our society is shifting and to use that change—not as another opportunity to discriminate but as a way to create something meaningful that acknowledges the magnitude of this endeavor. Raising a child together is the greatest commitment a person can make. Let’s create the conditions for all parents to acknowledge that. Equally.
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