I sat on the toilet, staring at the pregnancy test. Almost immediately a second pink line appeared. My husband burst out of our bedroom and we did a little happy dance. We went into our daughter’s room to share the news. “You’re going to be a sister!” I told her. Only 14 months old, the significance of the moment may have been lost on her. She had no idea she was going to lose her top-dog status in our family.
A month later we were at the doctor’s office for an early ultrasound. As the technician examined the fuzzy images of my uterus, she clicked the keyboard. After a while, she asked us how many kids we wanted, and then told us we were having twins.
There’s a moment of panic when you realize you’re going to be hurled headfirst into the world of “three under three.” My “moment” lasted six months. I spent a lot of time thinking about the number of diapers we’d be changing daily and whether our daughter was doomed to a life of being excluded by the twins.
In my third trimester, I also started to worry about how on earth I was going to pee once the twins arrived. Our bathroom is on the second floor, and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to leave a toddler downstairs with a pair of newborns.
I know I wasn’t the first mom to think these things. For a variety of reasons, the number of twin pregnancies is increasing—and so is the number of three under three. I had to learn to adjust my expectations and find new ways of defining parenting “success.” If you’re busy wrangling three kids under three, or will be soon, here are a few tips worth considering that helped me get through those early days:
Practice being flexible
I got asked tons of questions when I was pregnant. Will you get an epidural? Will you breastfeed? Will your baby food be organic, locally grown, and handmade? Eventually I realized the best way to answer them. Maybe, possibly, we’ll see, who knows. With a pack of young children, I needed to be open to changing my plans. In fact, I realized that maybe the wisest thing to do would be to scrap the plans altogether and have parenting “hopes” instead.
As a parent, a flexible attitude will allow you to change gears quickly instead of fighting unwinnable battles with kids who don’t care what you planned to do today. When we approach each day with openness, we feel less frustrated.
Practice triage
When I first experienced the sound of all three of my kids crying, I wanted to hide in the garage. I didn’t even know where to start! Eventually I learned that you have to treat your living room like it’s a hospital emergency ward.
Start by figuring out whose needs are most urgent. Once you’ve taken care of one child, move on to the next one. This is how you’ll calm your brood down—one child at a time. If it helps, repeat this mantra: After chaos comes calm.
Ask for help
When people ask what they can do to help, tell them. Be specific. This is one of the few times in life when it’s appropriate to ask other people (politely) to wash your dishes, fold the clothes, or vacuum your floors. And if you’re not comfortable delegating those chores, just ask for some food. Everyone always needs to eat.
It might take some getting used to, but before long you’ll be a pro at scrolling through your contact list to figure out who’s next on your help hit-list. And if you don’t have enough friends or family where you live, get Googling.
I really started to struggle when my twins were five months old. People had stopped checking in and dropping off meals. And it was winter. The days dragged, and parenting my three felt impossible. After many tears, I realized I needed more help. I found two students who both came one day a week, and their help made life feel manageable again. It also gave me a chance to spend time one-on-one with each child.
Take it one day at a time
When I go out in the world with my three small children, people always say the same thing: “Oh, you must be busy!” They also remind me of the challenges ahead: “Just wait until all three are on the move!” Thanks. I’m barely getting by as it is, and they point out that it’ll probably be years before this gets any easier.
One key to my survival over the past year has been to focus on one day at a time. I try not to dwell too long on the fact that I haven’t slept in several years, and that’s unlikely to change anytime soon. And I try not to think about what it’ll be like to have two toddlers at the same time, when one is plenty. Worry can ruin even the more manageable days, so focus on what the kids are doing right now and try not to spend too much time thinking about the hurdles ahead.
Lower your expectations
Did anyone get a bath today? Amazing. Are two of three sleeping? Incredible. Our concept of a productive day has had to change with three small children. You won’t be getting much done besides keeping everyone clothed and fed. And those are achievements to be celebrated.
Sure, you’ll need to forage for supper and clean the piles of dirty clothes once in a while. But beyond that? Forget about it! This is not the time to clean the fridge or make homemade teething cookies. If the kids gift you a moment of quiet, take some time for yourself. Just sit down and breathe. Those dishes aren’t going anywhere.
Practice positivity
You might sometimes feel like you’re failing kids #2 and #3. I certainly did. But I started reminding myself that while my first child probably got more story time, baby programs, and cuddles, my subsequent kids will benefit from my knowledge and experience.
Plus, we’re wired to focus on what isn’t going well. To consciously balance this negativity bias, try to tell a friend or your partner something you’re doing well, once a day. Maybe you kept your cool when your oldest refused to nap. Maybe your youngest learned how to hold a bottle. Every day has tiny lovely moments just waiting to be noticed.
Ultimately, you’ve got this. It might not feel like it right at this moment, but I know you do. You’ll survive by learning how to react to what’s happening (whining, crying, shrieking) instead of dwelling on what you think the kids should be doing (sleeping, eating, quietly hanging out).
Be flexible, breathe deeply, and take it one day at a time. Above all, let other adults give you a break for a few hours. Even if you have to get two people to watch your three under three, do it. Your kids will benefit when you find little ways to take care of yourself.