If someone you care about experiences a pregnancy loss, you might feel like you don’t know how to be there for them. Many people are afraid to do or say the wrong thing, so they don’t do anything at all.
Historically, miscarriages weren’t often talked about. This created a stigma that continues to exist today. Thanks largely in part to social media, however, pregnancy loss is being discussed more now. But as a friend or family member close to someone experiencing a loss, how can you best be there to provide emotional support after a miscarriage? Here are some tips on what you can do.
Ask them how they want to be supported
Everyone experiences a pregnancy loss differently and no two people grieve in the same way. While some may be comforted with words, and some with prayers and scripture, others may need more tangible support.
No matter how well you know someone, sometimes the best thing to do is to ask, “How can I support you right now?” or “What do you need me to do for you?” After experiencing a loss, some people may not know what they want. But if they tell you, try to do the best you can to do it.
Give them space
Your friend may need a ton of support, especially right away, or they may need some time alone or with just their partner. Many people need to be left alone to hide under the covers but then emerge the next day needing someone to check in with them.
If your friend tells you they need to be alone with their thoughts, give them some time. It can mean a lot to them to check in periodically by text or email letting them know you’re thinking about them and are there when they’re ready.
Take things off their plate
It can be hard to know exactly how you can help someone close to you with such a tremendous loss. If you don’t have the words, do something practical for them.
Here are some ideas:
- Offer to take their other children to the park or out to eat for a few hours
- Organize a meal train
- Make sure they have snacks and beverages if they’re recovering in bed
- Bring them meals or send gift cards for food. Food is usually the last thing grieving people think about.
- Pay for a visit from a professional house cleaner
Be there after the initial outreach
When someone loses a baby, there’s initially a large outpouring of support. Food gets dropped off, cards and flowers are sent, and messages and voicemails are in full supply.
But after a month or so, there are fewer messages. There’s rarely food left at the front door. While everyone else is moving on, your friend might still be grieving. Only now, they might feel entirely alone. Worse, they may feel like they need to start “snapping out of it.”
So after the first few weeks, remember your friend and continue to check in with them. Buy them dinner after a month. Send a card six months later letting them know you’re still there.
Remember their anniversaries
In grief, there are milestones. One month from the loss. Six months from the loss. The due date. The anniversary of their miscarriage. What was supposed to be their baby’s first birthday.
Remember these milestones. Put them in your calendar. And then reach out on those milestones. You could send them cards, mail them a care package on their due date, or send them flowers on the anniversary of their loss.
Meet them where they’re at
People will have different degrees of grief. You might ask them if they decided to name their baby. If they didn’t or don’t want to share, respect that.
If they do tell you their baby’s name, use it in conversation. If your friend wants to talk about her baby, offer to listen. If she doesn’t, don’t pressure her to. Providing emotional support after a miscarriage involves a lot of going with the flow, week by week, and sometimes hour by hour.
If you’re expecting or have children yourself, it can be a tough situation for both you and your friend. It might be hard for them to hear your talk about your kids or see your pregnant belly. It can be helpful to ask your friend how much they want to hear about your pregnancy or your children. You can also ask them whether they would like to see ultrasound photos or whether they would prefer not to.
Acknowledge it if you say the wrong thing
There are statements people often use when someone experiences a loss:
- “Heaven needed them more.”
- “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
- “You can always try again.”
It can be hard to sit with emotional pain and not be able to make it better. If you have found yourself saying one of these statements to someone at one time or another, don’t feel bad. But if you find yourself using one of these platitudes, stop and acknowledge it. Say things instead that don’t gloss over someone’s pain such as, “I’m so sorry. This is awful, and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling,” or, “I know nothing can make this better, but I’m here for you.”
Being there for someone who has lost a baby can be full of uncertainty, wanting to say the right thing and not make it worse. Your friend will appreciate you simply being there for them.