Five years of struggling and snuggling, nuzzling my nose onto a baby’s sweet little head, rolling over numerous times to feed a baby in the night, dealing with a painful clogged duct, gazing into my child’s eyes. Five years (and counting)—that’s how much of my life, added up thus far, was spent breastfeeding my three children. Living in Germany, this makes me a bit of a statistical anomaly: only 40 percent of babies past the age of four months are still fully breastfed. My older two sons nursed for 20 and 23 months, respectively. As I write this, my youngest son, 13 months, is still nursing, which, while not uncommon where we live, still isn’t the norm. I’m not quite sure yet when I’ll stop nursing him.
Over the years, it quickly became clear to me that there were major advantages and disadvantages of being the sole provider of milk.
The advantages of exclusive breastfeeding were practical, financial, and emotional.
Before my oldest child was born, I had read up a little on nursing, heard plenty of stories about how challenging it was, and figured I would mostly wing it. If nursing worked out, great. If there were some challenges that could be resolved, I’d certainly try my best but not at the expense of my physical and mental health. If nursing really was not working and I was struggling (or the baby was struggling), formula or exclusive pumping it would be. I had the advantage of at least 12 months of German maternity leave as well as the good fortune to have many free resources here—a postpartum midwife covered by insurance who could help with feeding issues; the ability to rent a pump if needed from a pharmacy with a doctor’s prescription for free; and La Leche League and other nursing meetup groups—so I felt like I was in good hands for a potential nursing journey.
As it turned out, the nursing journey with my oldest child panned out well enough to the point where I didn’t feel like pumping or combo feeding with formula if it wasn’t necessary. This ended up being the case for my second son and now, my third.
The advantages of exclusive breastfeeding were practical, financial, and emotional. Once things were going well with feedings, we didn’t have any gear to clean, milk to store, or formula to prepare. (My hat is constantly off to those who pump and use formula, as I know it takes a lot of time and effort. I was an au pair before having my own kids and used to prepare formula bottles for the baby, so I had some idea of the work involved.) Since I was feeding on demand, I also didn’t have to think about scheduling either in terms of pump times or when to give a bottle. On an emotional level, it was a cuddly, warm, cozy bonding experience in the early days (the milky new baby scent was quite heady for me). As they got older it was often a way to spend a quiet moment together when they were mobile and crawling or running all over the place. Nursing was also a source of instant comfort for teething, vaccinations, and illnesses.
However, there have also been any number of struggles and challenges. Despite an overall smooth breastfeeding journey with my kids, there were still nursing issues here and there: I dealt with oversupply and a lot of painful clogged ducts with my first baby for several months, continued to have occasional clogged duct issues with my second baby, and had some latch and supply issues with my third baby. I was really grateful for the support and help I received, but I can’t deny that in these moments it felt like nursing was too much to handle both physically and emotionally. In the end, despite these issues, I decided to persevere. I felt like, all things considered, it was not impossible or torturous to the point of truly affecting my mental health, and I was able to see an end in sight in all of the varied scenarios, which also helped affect my decision. I felt like the convenience factor still outweighed the difficult phases, and the physiological positive emotions I was able to feel through the physical process of nursing were helpful in getting me through harder moments.
My older two kids self-weaned before the age of two, and it was a bit of an emotional experience, with feelings of pride, sadness, and relief.
Still, as the sole provider of milk, I was also essentially tethered to the kids as babies until they were reliably eating some solid foods throughout the day. I could sometimes steal out for an hour or two for things like a doctor’s appointment when they were young, but it took some months before I could really leave them with anyone else for more than two hours. Going out of town is also out of the question while you’re in the throes of nursing if you’re not doing pumping or formula, so until my kids hit toddlerhood, a fun weekend getaway with friends or my husband was not really an option (I still haven’t been away sans kids since my third was born last summer). My older two kids self-weaned before the age of two, and it was a bit of an emotional experience, with feelings of pride, sadness, and relief.
Perhaps one of the biggest struggles with exclusively nursing has been my own maintenance and self-care to a certain degree. I am someone for whom nursing makes me lose a lot of weight, and I find it hard to meet my nutritional needs on a regular basis while nursing. I’m finally trying to get my act together and work on this particular issue.
It’s almost too easy to fall into a martyr complex or have lots of guilty feelings when it comes to your baby.
My greatest takeaway throughout the years I’ve spent exclusively nursing is that doing what feels right, best, and most comfortable to you as a parent when it comes to feeding is the critical point. It’s almost too easy to fall into a martyr complex or have lots of guilty feelings when it comes to your baby. I relate to this immensely. Any means of feeding a baby has its challenges as well as its positive aspects. It can be helpful to read stories about the various paths parents have taken to feed their babies, something I also hope to contribute to by sharing my experiences. However your feeding journey works out, please take a moment to acknowledge your immense efforts. You are seen and you are loved.